


Diners, Drive ins, and Cannibalism

by Mesonyx96



Category: Food Network RPF, Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Crack, Crack Crossover, Crack Treated Seriously, Crack and Angst, Dark Crack, Food, Funny, I Don't Even Know, I'm Not Ashamed, I'm Sorry, Memes, Other, Out Of Character Kaneki Ken, Short One Shot, This Is STUPID, Why Did I Write This?, awful, why tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-17
Updated: 2017-05-17
Packaged: 2018-11-01 17:33:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10926687
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mesonyx96/pseuds/Mesonyx96
Summary: What if Kaneki Ken was replaced by Guy Fieri, and Yamori was replaced by Gordon Ramsey? I wrote this all to make a stupid joke about Kaneki's white hair and Guy Fieri's frosted tips and it just went way too far. This story might be the worst thing I've ever created. If you read this just remember, you will never get those five minutes back.





	Diners, Drive ins, and Cannibalism

Gamori Ramsey strolled into Anteiku with his boyfriend Simonu Cowellu in tow. The relaxed warm atmosphere instantly evaporated to be replaced by a cold tense silence. Guyneki Fen looked around at his friends in confusion.

“Just stay calm.” Touka told him, her purple bangs flowing despite the lack of any discernable breeze. Her coal black eyeliner glistened in fear.

Gamori Ramsay started monologuing while Simonu Cowellu fawned over his tall bodacious man. Guyneki knew that it was probably important but he found it difficult to pay attention while he was trying to eat. He had only just recently accepted his need to consume humans to survive, more specifically, the need to consume human fat. 

Human lard was the lifeblood of the ghouls, without it they would die. Any food not containing human fat would cause them to be violently ill. So the ghouls congregated in places like Anteiku, where they could serve up human friendly food, as well as ghoul dishes. Food mixed together in a way so unnatural, so random that to an outsider it would give the impression they had just raided the dumpster of several fast food restaurants and cooked up the leftovers. Making sure to smother it in a healthy helping of human lard. 

Diners, drive ins, and dives, for the most part, were fronts for large scale cannibalism. 

Gamori was still talking, and his fellow ghouls were listening intently, poised as if ready to strike, while Guyneki focused on finishing his cannoli. Gamori fell silent, the only sounds in the Diner were Guyneki’s moist chewing as he frantically tried to slurp up the last of his cannoli. 

Guyneki wasn’t sure what was happening, but everyone’s eyes were on him. Suddenly Gamori Ramsay lunged at him, and the next thing he knew he was in a dark room with a checkered floor.

Over the next weeks, Guyneki was forced to eat healthy, well prepared food at the ghoul’s compound. He could deal with the lettuce, but then that turned into pigs feet, or normal non fried chicken. It was horrible. Then, just when he thought it couldn’t get any worse, Gamori Ramsey brought out the lamb sauce. 

This was it, Guyneki could feel something about him changing. It was like turning into a ghoul all over again but worse. Using all of his strength, he burst out of his chains and fought Gamori.  
It was an awesome, epic battle, full of slow mo, dramatic dialogue, and a bunch of censorship that covered up like half the screen. Guyneki was moving so fast, and with such grace that his fat was gelatinously gyrating. 

But at least, Guyneki Ken defeated Ramsey. Just before biting into his jugular he yelled “WHOSE THE LAMB SAUCE NOW, BITCH.” 

After cannibalizing Ramsey, Guyneki escaped the compound and started the slow journey back to anteiku under the pale lunar moon light. But on the way there, he caught his reflection in a window. His frosted tips were gone. 

“NOOOOOO!!!!” He screamed at the window. It was the window of a house, and happened to be the bedroom of the family’s youngest son, who woke up and stared in confusion at this disheveled screaming man with sad, normal looking brown hair. 

The next day Touka found him, curled up in a room in Anteiku, a box clutched in his unconscious hand. His hair was crusted with something, furiously rubbed on his head. She picked up the box and saw a cartoon tiger on the front; Frosted Flakes.


End file.
